Blog Post Four

Spring, Change, Messiness

Mar 25

We are about one week out from Spring and I can feel a shift in not just the weather, but in the entire energy of the world and nature. There is this subtle feeling of hope and safety, as the world wakes up, and we remember that we are alive on this beautiful planet. Darkness shifting to light. Sleep to wakefulness.

The last couple weeks of winter are typically tough for me. As much as I practice self-care and gratitude, it is almost unavoidable to fall into a mild depressive state. Exhaustion washes over me, even when I have slept a full 8 hours every night. I just feel utterly consumed by the darkness, and dried out by the cold at the end of every winter.

The beginning of the winter season brings excitement for time with family, snowy days, warm, steamy drinks and the joyous lights and decor of the holidays. But by the last weeks of winter, it can be so easy to fall into a rut, just waiting to be pulled out by those longer, lighter days. 

So as the first breaths of spring circulated throughout my lungs, and my mood began to lift, I couldn’t help but feel a mild spring fever. Yearning for more. Warmth. Sun. Happiness. Breath.

“Spring is here! Happiness! Joy! Work! Abundance!” 

And then my camera broke. Badly. Real badly. I won’t be sharing the details to protect the privacy of those involved, and it truly was an accident, but it still was not a fun way to start off a season that is supposed to be filled with joy and abundance. 

I watched my camera fly out of my hands in slow motion.

“Do I grab it?” “My camera is flying.” “My camera is broken.” “Why can’t I move?” 

And then I flashed back to a dream I had the night before, where I was stuck under water and I could see my camera floating there. I couldn’t grab it, and I just watched it bob around, slowly losing hope that I would be able to save it. When I finally was able to reach it, I quickly realized it was beyond repair.

When I had awoken from the dream, relief washed over me as reality flooded back into my consciousness. I looked around the room, sighing as I remembered my camera was safe and sound in my camera bag.

But now, my dream was playing itself out right in front of me 8 hours later. I froze with shock, and the feelings of dread consumed me, as these all-too familiar feelings were rushing back into my body. 

“This was supposed to be a dream!” 

“Maybe it still is?” 

But then I collected myself, and ran to my camera. 

Yep. It was damaged. Really damaged. 

I decided there was no time to be emotional. What good is that anyways? So I rushed to think of what to do now. I remembered I had insurance, feeling thankful that I had gotten it about 4 months prior. 

And day by day, I took the steps to get my camera repaired, and deal with my insurance company. 

But I also had a massive editing job looming over me. 120 images that needed to be fully retouched. And because I can be a people pleaser, I said it was no problem that I could finish them in one week. 

I was without my main equipment and feeling crushed by an insane workload that needed to be finished in only a couple of days at this point. On top of that, I had to learn some new photoshop techniques for the job, which only took more time that I didn’t have. 

This was not how spring was supposed to start! I was just starting to feel joy, optimism, hope. All the good emotions! And now all I could feel was loss, stress, and overwhelm.

And I kept telling myself to hold it together. That this is part of being a freelancer and business owner. But as the week went on, I felt my emotions bubbling inside of me. I didn’t feel there was any use to these strong emotions. I just had to get through what needed to be done. But each day, they bubbled up more and more. 

The world started to appear foggy and dream-like. Existential, reality-pondering thoughts ran through my exhausted mind. My years of deep inner work taught me that these are my signs of overwhelm, passing my stress limits, and emotional suppression. But I didn’t know any other way of getting through my situation, other than holding it together and blocking out these “unnecessary” emotions.

As I struggled to just get through this overwhelming week, I made sure to stay disciplined in my routines that keep me grounded. As we were settling into the beginning of one of my favorite yoga classes, the teacher made an interesting statement that resonated a lot with me that day. She explained how although spring is a time of creativity, work, and more extroverted activities, we have to be careful to ease ourselves into this changing season instead of jumping in to finally be immersed in this time of lengthening days and warmer air. 

She always gives beautiful advice that is so mindful and reminds us of our connection to the natural world instead of our isolation from it. 

And so as I walked around the city, I took my advice from nature. As the trees slowly start to awaken from their deep winter slumber, and the warming air gently guides nature and all creatures into the rebirth of a new year, I remind myself that my body is also going through this transition of the seasons. I am also still in a winter slumber, and I am forcing myself to jump right out of it into busyness and chaos, when my body is not prepared for it yet.

So I listened to my yoga teacher’s words and the wisdom of nature, and I told my client I would have to postpone the delivery date. And I trusted that my camera was in good hands, being repaired. And I reminded myself that it is ok to take a step back.

And I woke up on Saturday…. And had a full on melt-down. Anger, and sadness, and loss, and grief just all bubbling up to the surface. There was no lid I could put on these emotions to stuff them down any longer. And the less I resisted, the more that bubbled up. When I decided to just give up on my stoic mentality of the week prior, old and messy emotions flooded out of my body.

So I just let myself have that meltdown. Like a 4 year old who doesn’t get their way. And that is what I felt like. A child who was having a temper tantrum. But that is ok. Because that inner child, or that inner vulnerable part of myself just wanted to express the pain of the week without having to hold it together perfectly. ALL THE TIME. Is this really what being an adult is like? Where is the authenticity? The honesty? Feeling and being in life?

Because life is messy. 

And once I just accepted the huge mess I was in, I could get myself out. And I took it day by day, and my deep emotions started to actually leave my body now. I finally delivered the images to my client. I got caught up on my work. 

And today, I was back to wondering what to do with all my free time. Still feeling that sense of accomplishment for checking off all the tasks on my to-do list. 

But there is a shift in me. Very small, but it is there. And it is a shift that has been taking place over the last couple of years. Of the acceptance of messiness. But not just in life. Because I had accepted that. But in myself.

Realizing that I was dismissing myself for not feeling “perfectly”. But that with messy situations comes messy emotions. 

And so as I try to ease into this spring season, I remind myself of the words of my yoga teacher. To pace myself into this new season. But also the messiness in life is unavoidable. Like the strong March winds that blow through the tree branches, telling them to wake up for the warm weather and the new season. And they sway and dance and just let the wind move through them, but they continue to go at the pace they want to and know is right.

And giving myself the gift of being a mess, giving my inner child that chance to just throw that tantrum and maybe let my emotions take the reins for a little bit, was the greatest gift in this crazy couple of weeks. Because being perfect is exhausting. But being authentic and honest is freeing. 

So as I emerge into the wonderful spring season I am remembering that life can be messy, but so can I. And through that mess, I can let go of everything needing to feel perfect, and just enjoy the ride of life, the seasons, and our crazy human emotions.