Blog Post Three

Sadness, Patience, Acceptance

Mar 1

We are nearing the end of February. And I sit here yet again, looking out my window into a dreary, cold, winter day. A quietness so peaceful, yet uncomfortable when you realize all you can hear are your own thoughts. The snow outside, still lying softly on the ground, but slowly fading away. And I have mixed feelings. I pray for the warm weather to finally come as I am wrapped in my favorite blanket, but I also wish for another snow storm to cover us in a winter wonderland…. Not ready to grieve the winter season, but also yearning for warmth and light, missing their comfort and nurturance to the soul. The in-between period. 

My friend used the term “post-Valentine’s Day slump,” as we discussed our slow weeks ahead. She is a photographer, also. It rang so true. I agreed with her enthusiastically because it didn’t only apply to my work, but also to my mood in general. 

The excitement of a busy week had died down, as quickly as it had begun. I ran from New York Fashion Week Shows, to proposal shoots, a birthday party event, to a bar mitzvah job. The adrenaline of the week brought my spirit to life, but I also felt….. Tired. The cold and dark reminded me we are in a season of rest. 

And then my long-distance boyfriend came to visit from Colorado over Valentine’s Day weekend. And we hopped around to dinner, and new bars. Visiting friends. And he accompanied me on a couple of my proposal shoots. But as the busy-ness of the work left, so had my boyfriend. A 3 day visit that felt like a blink.

Knowing both would be back (my boyfriend and the work), I still couldn’t help, but feeling sad. Very sad.  The sadness is normal. I am in a long-distance relationship, so when my boyfriend or I have to leave, we have to grieve the time we cannot spend in person at this moment in our lives. And the work is what pays for my bills and food to eat. Fun activities and nice clothes. 

To really set my mood, the rain poured down all day, on the Sunday when my boyfriend left to go back to Colorado.

My boyfriend gone. My work slow. Stuck in the middle of winter. What is there to look forward to? I felt a deep emptiness because the two things that fill me with so much joy had suddenly disappeared and now I looked out at week ahead of me of that consisted of pretty much neither.

But as I’ve written in my last posts, I am working on a couple of things, and moments like these push me to deepen myself and my work. And the deeper I go into myself, the more I grow in all aspects of my life. And so having two of the things that give  me so much passion and purpose in my life leaving at the same time, I was forced to face the emptiness. 

As I grappled with the deep sadness that filled my entire being and felt lodged into my bones, I just sat with it. As much as I wanted to do something, to fix it, to get rid of it, to be HAPPY…. As is so common for me to do because….. We should be living our best lives right? 

I welcomed it in. I let my emotions flow how they wanted to. Stepping back from my perfectionistic mindset of how every moment must be amazing and wonderful. And as I accepted the deep sadness, I accepted the painful slowness of my work. No changing. No panicking. It is meant to be, and I will be ok. Just keep breathing. One foot in front of the other.

And so I sat with both, see-sawing between my old patterns and stepping into my new way of being. Of lacking trust and stepping into trust. Blocking emotions to feeling emotions. Panicking to acceptance. 

Because I am a freelancer and a business owner how will I continue in this industry if I don’t trust the process? If I don’t trust that this is exactly how it is supposed to be, but it will also be ok? I’ve decided I cannot go through every slow season panicking and gripping on for control. 

And I can’t do this in my personal life either. Everything goes through changes. And my acceptance towards my inner life and outer life, my painful emotions, and painful life circumstances, are all interconnected. I realize that there is a better way to face life. All life. In my work and my relationships. 

So I held on, and by Monday, the deep sadness began to lift a little and the heaviness became lighter. 

And I reminded myself that we are in the slow season and the work always comes back. And so my trust began to resurface as I surrendered myself to just what exactly is. 

Sadness and slowness. 

And both are things we struggle with so greatly in our modern day society. We must always be busy. And we must always be so happy. And it is exhausting. 

How will I go into my busy season already burnt out and exhausted?? 

As I just sink into what life is presenting me with right now. Right at this moment. I see so much unrecognized beauty in it. 

Because the slowness gives me time to remember what is important. To actually hear my thoughts and what I am not usually listening to. To relish in my introverted activities and have no excuse to be a hermit. To avoid running around in the cold that dries me from the inside out. 

I get to focus on the work that I love doing and remember why I am in this industry. 

And when I just surrendered to everything. The heavy emotions. The slowness. It all flowed perfectly. Because the sadness had emptied out of my being, there was now more room for hope and optimism. And now that my schedule was cleared, I could focus on the work and the things that are actually important to me in my life. 

And with that holding on to acceptance and trusting life, I now look at a fully booked weekend coming up. A sadness that lingers, but helps me to deeply reflect. An appreciation for deep emotions to be able to express myself in my closest relationships and my art. Excitement for the warmth and beauty of spring. And as I close this blog, I know everything is exactly as it is meant to be, as I look up once again, out my window, and little flurries of snow start to drift down outside, reminding me why I love this season.