Blog Post Two

Femininity, Business, Insecurity

Feb 18

This past month, I have found myself pondering many of my insecurities. I have come to the simple, but difficult realization that sustainable validation comes purely from within. We’ve probably all heard this before, right? Especially with the prominence of social media in our society. Thinking I was immune to this, I have made the discovery that so much of who I am and how I act was based on who I believed others perceived me to be. It was like my shadow trailing behind me on a sunny day. “There’s no way I am like that!” Little did I know, the huge shadow of insecurity and reliance on external validation was following my every step. 

“Zoe is shy,” a lovely photographer I work for says, as we are just finishing up a job, and her client invites us for drinks. Shy. I have really struggled with this label since I was a young girl. In public, I was constantly called quiet and shy. And it has always been beyond me why it bugs me so much. To this day, I hear the word, and instantly, my self-esteem drops to the floor beneath me. And I wonder “Why, why, why do I hate being called that so much?” Along with quiet, soft, small. These words always made me feel so powerless. Looked down on. Insecure.

Phrases and words that send my confidence to the sky are “hard-working”, “competitive”, “driven”, “successful”, “go-getter.” I think these words do absolutely describe me, but definitely not the whole and complete me. Doing my big deep dive over the last 5 years into healing work and learning self-love, I have found that I am just as much shy, as I am competitive. I am just as much quiet, as I am a go-getter. I am just as much laid back, as I am driven. So I’ve wondered, why have those “stronger” more “powerful” phrases been the basis of my self-identity and self-confidence for so long? 

I had to slowly peel those phrases off of my skin, my entire being actually, to understand what they really mean to me, without feeling so attached to them. Only in the last couple of years have I realized the importance of deep rest, slowness, quietness, intuition, patience, space, and acceptance. I went from someone who had to have absolutely every minute of my day packed to the second, to someone who takes 4 hours most mornings reading, journaling, and baking bread. I was someone who used phrases like “I don’t have the patience for cooking” to someone who finds cooking absolutely essential in my daily routine. I am ambitious, but I also love my slow, quiet mornings. 

So the integration of the softer parts of life has helped me to accept the softer parts of myself. But how do I carry this into such a “go, go, go” world, especially as an entrepreneur, where it is go forever and always, 24/7? 

These personal and lifestyle changes occurred while I was also building up my photography business. And it made me think deeper about how I want to run my business. I can certainly follow the “tips”, “advice”, and traditional routes of established business owners. But what if it isn’t working for the person I wish to be? I can change my lifestyle. Or I can change the industry. I’ve decided on the latter. 

The advice that I typically get as an entrepreneur is that you have to be “aggressive”, “competitive”, “chase clients”, “extra confident (almost to the point of arrogance).” And this is not just as an entrepreneur. This is in school, extracurricular activities, most jobs, and just being an adult in general (in this country at least). 

And so I have come to the realization that all my life I have loved being called hard-working, competitive, driven, and other similar terms, not only because I do love those qualities within me, but also because I believed these qualities would lead to my success in the world. In my job, and just as a person as well. 

But, at around 22, I could feel deep in my being, something wasn’t right. I was terribly burnt out and walking around in a deep fog almost every day. I felt disconnected, emotionally drained, and unexcited about life. I was having recurrent physical illnesses, skin issues, and anxiety, and I just felt like I was breaking down. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. 

So I did a deep dive into my inner world, not because I wanted to, but because life gave me no other direction that I could even go. Like being squished into this narrow, uncomfortable tunnel. Darkness ahead of me, and only one way to go. This led me into a lot of deep explorations of myself and my construction of my identity. Bits and pieces of me, slowly being torn away as I dug into my being, searching for my inner truth.

Being a strong and independent woman was and is a huge part of how I relate to myself. But I have had a recent shift in my perspective on how I want to live and work in this world as an adult woman. 

Although women do have a lot of the same rights and opportunities as men in the world, it still feels that femininity itself and womanhood are deeply repressed and unwanted in many parts of our modern society. Especially the workplace. And I could see this repression happening in myself as well. “I don’t want to be shy, quiet, soft……” “I need to be tougher, stronger, louder, more independent, more forceful, more powerful.” The imbalance was so strong that I despised those parts of myself. Instead of welcoming those softer sides of my being, I pushed them away with shame whenever they rose up. 

I do want to be careful with my wording, as I do believe the lines get blurred between masculine and feminine. In my opinion, we all have a balance within us and I do want to say that competitiveness, hard-work, strength, and drive are just as much female qualities as they are male qualities, but women do naturally exhibit these qualities in different ways. The same goes for qualities like nurturing, intuition, and softness in men. The way I am referring to feminine, is the more traditional feminine qualities, or what the average woman would generally lean more towards. Also view of the more outer qualities being masculine and inner qualities being feminine. 

When we do look closely, femininity is still not as accepted in our culture as masculinity, even as men and women become more equal in the opportunities offered to them. Yes, we have women who are strong and independent, and doing the same jobs as men. And yes, being a sporty, academic-loving, independent woman, I love that, but we forgot something in the process of integrating women into the workforce. Women have had to do more of the conforming in order to work alongside men instead of the jobs themselves becoming more supportive of both men and women. 

But as women, we have been told that if we want to keep up, we need to speak up, get out of the house, and toughen our skin more. Which many of us have fought for, but we have also been told to be more like men if we want a lot of these opportunities. Instead of using our natural skills and qualities as women in spaces like academia and the workplace. 

But the more I leaned into this mentality, the more it drained my soul. I felt the pressure to speak up louder louder louder was so great that I would go mute. The need to hustle every day to prove my strength and independence caused my body to break down. My skin became so tough that all my deep emotions were stuck inside me with no way out.

So the unraveling began. And it was painful to see how heavily I relied on this mentality, and how most of the modern world relies on this way of thinking. 

“You need to be strong, tough, in control of your emotions, independent, successful, loud!”

But then I began to see this beautiful side of it. That women bring so much more to the workforce than just equality in our society. Because of our natural qualities, women have the power to bring slowness, nurturing, cooperation, rest, softness, and gentleness to the workplace.

Reclaiming my feminine and soft qualities has vastly improved my mental health and my self confidence. In my own life, this has meant more turning inwards, and slowing down. A lot. I learned to value deep rest. Not only my sleep, but rest in general. Realizing that taking space for activities like reading and journaling are when some of my best ideas come to fruition. I have also listened to my body more, and instead of trying to control it and get it to do what I want to do, I work with it. I ask it what it needs, how can I feel nourished, rested, and taken care of? I have learned to step back into the more feminine energy of letting life guide me and show me my path, instead of gripping on for dear life, trying to control every tiny step. Remembering it is ok to value my strong connections and putting relationships first in my life. 

You can call this a more feminine approach, a more maternal approach, or a softer approach. The labels don’t really matter all too much, but I like to think of it as a more balanced perspective on work and life. As much as men need this balance too, I believe this change is being led by the women of the workforce who have finally had enough of suppressing our most natural qualities. 

So, I am currently working on integrating my identity as an adult woman into my life as a full-time entrepreneur. My work is so important to me, but sometimes the work calls will have to wait, as I need time to clean my space and cook myself nourishing meals for my body. I cannot chase after every single client because my personal relationships need my energy and love. I cannot say yes to every opportunity because my family needs my support. 

As modern women, we so want it all. We want to be the perfect girlfriend/wife, perfect friend, perfect homemaker, perfect boss/entrepreneur. Perfect, perfect, perfect. While we prove our equality in skillset and our right to be in the workforce alongside men. And I don’t say this to minimize the struggles and sacrifices of men. But as women, we spend so much of our time proving that we can do as much or more than men because we are afraid to lose our place that we have worked so hard to have in modern society. To be put back in roles that squashed us, to be told we will never be as smart, talented, or capable as our male counterparts. We forget as women that we have our own unique skills and qualities to offer as well, and proving ourselves over and over and over again will only burn us out and continue to make us feel that we are never enough.

And I know this personally. Because I felt I had to prove, especially in a male-dominted industry, that I had a rightful place here too. Due to my own projections, I felt men would look at me and think, I can’t handle the equipment because I am a woman, I need help because I am a woman, I will never be as good because I am a woman. People won’t hire me because I am a woman. But you know where that all came from? Myself. Maybe men alongside me thought this. Maybe they didn’t. But a lot of my actions in the past were to prove these statements wrong. But to whom? It seemed more to myself than anyone. 

And that is when the shift of perspective came. Wait? What can I offer in this field that is different by being a woman? Maybe that is my edge in this industry. Not that I am better than any man or can do everything the same. I realized that being a woman in the field can have so many benefits. And I am working on leaning into that more in how I run my own business. 

Instead of the more outward, masculine, and dominating focus of “chasing clients down,” I tend to feel more comfortable giving my potential and current clients a bit of breathing room. If they would like to work with me, I will give them space and time to make that decision. In leadership roles, many women don’t feel comfortable with the tough and loud approach. I love being a leader, but not in the traditional, masculine, or patriarchal sense. The way I direct or work is to give people guidance, but then I step back and let them run free with their own creativity. I feel what we are told is that leaders in the patriarchal sense, are dominating, loud, extroverted, etc. But women, in the general sense, tend to lead in a different way. Wanting people to cooperate more as a team rather than just one person leading as everyone follows behind. Women-owned businesses can be very maternal, caring about the health and well-being of employees. They also focus a lot on inclusion and community, as women tend to be very relationship-focused.

As amazing as many male-led organizations are, women-led businesses have their own wonderful things to offer in this world. That I think so desperately needs it. Community. Nurturance. Gentleness. Softness. 

While I absolutely love my competitive, driven, independent, tough side, this is the side that society has told me to lean into. But I know there is a better way for me, personally, to live my life and run my business. And so I am also coming to love my soft, shy, emotional, intuitive side because these qualities, although once perceived as a hindrance to my success, may actually be the reason for my success as a female entrepreneur.